I hate minivans

I hate minivans...

I have since Lee Iacocca strolled past an assembly line of half-built K-cars before proudly coming to a stop in front of an '84 Dodge Caravan.

It doesn't matter whose badge they carry, they're all awful...

It's not about the obvious assault on automotive design.  Face it, there just isn't any way to make these bulging weebles look good.  All the heavy metal rifts and pyrotechnics in the world won't make them cool no matter what Honda thinks.

They're the ultimate expression of the Costco generation.  And why not, they're perfect for it.  As in, perfectly proportioned for America's ever expanding... "proportions."  They're designed to let you stuff the kids, the dog and a pallet of Kirkland Peanut butter with plenty of room left over for that 32 Oz triple-mocha latte' in the cup holder.

They drive just like the family car mostly because they're just a top heavy, overweight and under-powered version of it. 

One thing you're not likely to see is a lot of turbocharged or "High Performance" versions.  That's because the whole "family friendly" thing kind of goes out the window  the first time soccer mom encounters  200 foot pounds of torque steer on a wet road.  Oh, did I forget to mention that most of them are Front Wheel Drive?

It's why anything over 300HP these days will have all that power going to either the rear wheels or ALL the wheels...

They have their benefits though...  For one, they're disposable.   When you're done with them you just ball them up and toss them over the wall of the nearest junkyard .  Which is how the majority end up when their owners discover their 6 foot blind spot.

I mean, let's get real here.  It's taken almost 20 years for the rear view backup camera to become mainstream and nothing has more need of it than a minivan.  BMW's and Mercedes aside ( that don't need them BTW ) the first mass produced vehicles to  have them as standard equipment were minivans.  

Not because it was cool but because there was a very real need especially when half your market is wearing trifocals and racing to get the senior special at Country Kitchen.

Thing is, I don't deny the need for something in that market segment but I think a small SUV or a wagon like the very cool ( sadly discontinued ) Dodge Magnum would have done a better job.

Yeah, the Smithsonian has a Caravan on display but is it really such an honor when it's sitting next to Jerry Seinfeld's Puffy shirt? 

Personally, I think the shirt was a more positive influence.

I'm a car guy meaning I have a deep appreciation for things like styling, performance and serviceability.  In other words, all things NOT a minivan. 

The sight of one of those lumbering sloths struggling to attain the speed limit just sucks the life out of my day.  They're everywhere!  weaving between lanes, cutting off traffic and generally just being a nuisance.

Worse are the drivers.  From my research I've come up with three primary types.

1. The Early Bird specials  -  Usually the senior set determined to slow traffic to nothing more than 10 miles below the speed limit on their way to fish stick Friday.

2. The Soccer Moms - Those terrible taxis piloted by frenzied souls attempting to find that perfect balance between their smartphone and actual driving.

3. The drag racer - Usually a male who hasn't quite figured out that not everything with a aluminium wheels is a "performance" car.  These guys are convinced that 150 HP in a 2 Ton bus is a match for any Corvette and they're going to prove it.  

I can't really blame him though, he's just desperate to reclaim his Y chromosome.  Thing is, that isn't going to happen in a rolling Uterus with third row seats.

I'd prefer not to be around any of them especially if they decide to "Crossover" to something like an SUV.  Nothing like throwing around an extra ton of steel while "soccer mom" juggles text messages, voicemails, screaming at the kids and driving...In that order.

I'm not anti-family, anti-senior or really anti-anything unless its perpetuating a bad idea.  Which lies at the core of my hatred for those ugly metal eggs otherwise known as minivans.  

They had their place and their time back when this country was still grappling with the need for more than 9 miles per gallon and vehicles made out of more steel than you'd find in the average 747. 

But that time has passed.  Time to move on.  Time to close a chapter on one of this country's worst inventions.

Die Minivan DIE!

Why your Hyundai is NOT a muscle car...

We need to set the record straight...

I don't know if it's just that people are too lazy to look stuff up or they just like being annoying but lately I've seen the term, "Muscle Car" applied to everything from trucks to 4 door sedans. 

And it's wrong...

What's most annoying, however, is to have a Camaro Z28 or a Mustang GT lumped in with the likes of a Hyundai anything.

Living in an ever more connected world has spread more than just American political ideology.  American culture itself has exuded influence over nations to whom the concept of an "American Culture" would have been an oxymoron a generation ago. 

Perhaps that's why people think a Hyundai is a Muscle car.  

Those people are confused...

The term "Muscle Car" is and forever will be a uniquely American idea exclusively applied to 2 door coupes with at least a V8 engine, rear wheel drive and manufactured in North America.  That's not arrogance, it's in the dictionary. 

Webster's says this about Muscle Cars:

 "any of a group of American-made 2-door sports coupes with powerful engines designed for high-performance driving"

I know that definition doesn't say anything about which set of wheels provides movement but trust me, no American "high performance", "Muscle Car" was ever propelled by anything but the rear wheels.

To be fair, however, I'll stick to Webster's precise definition of what a "Muscle Car" is for my little comparison.

Now, let's apply the 3 rules ( 2-door, American made, Powerful) to a pair of vehicles commonly (and often erroneously) labeled "Muscle Cars" by the  automotive press and see if they fit.  For illustration we'll use a Chevrolet Camaro and a Hyundai Genesis coupe. 

In the chart below, I'll put a check mark next to the 3 Primary factors if the car in question meets the criteria to be a true Muscle Car.

	2 Door Coupe	American Made	Powerful Engine Available
Camaro	X	X	X
Genesis	X

From the chart we can see that the Genesis does not meet the criteria for 2 major reasons.  Reason one, it's manufactured in Korea not the U.S.  Yes, Hyundai makes cars in Alabama but not the Genesis coupe.  Hyundai is also not technically an "American" auto maker since they're a foreign corporation. 

Second, the powerful engine bit.  While the base engine in the current Camaro makes 326 HP with its V6 to the Genesis 346 HP V6, these days under 400 HP is considered pedestrian in anything but a minivan or a hybrid. 

The next step up in the Camaro line is the SS with a standard 426HP naturally aspirated V8 with available options all the way up to 580HP.  That's another mark of a muscle car.  It's frequently defined more by its power output than it's model.

The Genesis Coupe, comparatively,  retains the same 346 HP V6 throughout its trim levels even though its Sedan sibling, the "5.0," offers a 420HP V8 option.   

Why is that important? 

One tenet that isn't covered by Webster's simple definition is something any Muscle Car enthusiast knows all too well.  Muscle cars aren't about slalom courses, fuel economy or practicality.  They're about slapping a ridiculously overpowered engine into an otherwise spartan coupe and holding on for dear life when you mash the Go pedal. 

I mean, c'mon guys.  Does anyone really see practicality in a 580HP vehicle than can only carry 2 occupants comfortably, has the ride quality of a buckboard and gets worse mileage than a full size pickup truck?

I used to own a 2008 Mustang GT and the thing I always found hysterical about it was the child seat hooks behind the back seats.  I never had a need for them but if you do I can guarantee you won't be using them for long because Muscle Cars aren't about baby seats. They're about stroking that part of our psyche where explosions, video games, and thrill rides exist. 

The only thing that compares with such madness is the world of supercars sporting names like Ferrari, Bugatti and Pagani.  They too are completely impractical with the added characteristic of being  astronomically expensive.  If they have a child seat hook it's sure to be somebody's idea of a joke.  It's a world where you could pay upwards of half a million dollars for a vehicle without air conditioning, a radio or the ability to roll down the windows.

Still, we dream about them don't we.

That's the point.  Nobody gets excited about a Chevy Cruze or a Hyundai Accent no matter how many racing stripes or turbochargers they put on them.  Cars like that just make too much sense for those of us for whom the lizard parts of our brains exude an influence.

Muscle cars are about the antithesis of American (or anyone else's) societal norms of family and practicality.  They were born out of a 60's youth culture bent on rejecting everything their parents held dear.  It's a unique expression of American excess, individualism and lunacy that rings hollow anywhere else on the planet except for maybe Australia. 

They came up with Mad Max you know...

I hope this clears it up but I know it won't.