Muscle Car limbo

It's a strange place to be.  That in between time when your ride is transitioning from being just another "old car" to a "Collector car."

So it is with my 1995 Formula.  It meets the definition of a muscle car  ( save for the year but who cares what GoodGuys thinks.)  It's got all the check boxes ticked including having the most powerful V8 available at the time (LT1), 2 doors, rear wheel drive and of course, it's completely impractical.

It also hits all those less attractive aspects like being unreliable, expensive to fix and forever in need of attention.

Right now I have to use the car as a daily driver but it is 20 years old so even with all the care its received over its life there's no hiding those liver spots.  

The catalytic converter's developed an annoying rattle, the rear end urethane bushings squeak like an old bed, the power windows worry me and there are times (like now) where it struggles to roar to life when the weather isn't quite to its liking.

In short it's an old car with all the requisite annoyances.  
Considering my meager income I've done a fair job of addressing a lot of the issues.  Projects that included things like replacement of a distributor, water pump, ignition system and radiator and some worn out interior pieces to name just a few.  It's a start but I know from experience that it's far from the finish.

It's times like these where I sometimes wish I had my old Toyota truck back.  That thing could run on a thimble of oil and two drops of anti-freeze and still take you across the country and back with the AC blowing ice-cold the whole way.

But it wasn't as fun.  Being towed home multiple times is a badge of honor for a collector car.  Even if it is inconvenient.  

Your Camry?  I Guarantee you're looking at Autotrader.com after the first tow...  Besides, did you ever notice how collector cars never seem to look better than on the back of a flatbed?  That's soul baby!

I mean think about it for a minute, not many things with a Toyota or Hyundai badge can be said to have a "soul" and no Kia, calling one of your cars a "soul" doesn't make it have one.  Nobody will ever get excited over an Avalon when its 20 years old either.

Besides, none of those would respond as well to my pleadings to "just get me home baby."

This is where I find myself now and while I foresee a bright future for the Formula for now it's often the stuff of nightmares instead of dreams.

It's the test all car-guys must go through.  If you just give up and trade it in on a Hyundai I have no respect for you.  All great things must be suffered for.

...and god do I suffer...

But this is the stuff of legend.  The stories to be shared with others so afflicted. 

Of course this assumes I don't have to sell the dream for a couple of bags of groceries...

I hate minivans

I hate minivans...

I have since Lee Iacocca strolled past an assembly line of half-built K-cars before proudly coming to a stop in front of an '84 Dodge Caravan.

It doesn't matter whose badge they carry, they're all awful...

It's not about the obvious assault on automotive design.  Face it, there just isn't any way to make these bulging weebles look good.  All the heavy metal rifts and pyrotechnics in the world won't make them cool no matter what Honda thinks.

They're the ultimate expression of the Costco generation.  And why not, they're perfect for it.  As in, perfectly proportioned for America's ever expanding... "proportions."  They're designed to let you stuff the kids, the dog and a pallet of Kirkland Peanut butter with plenty of room left over for that 32 Oz triple-mocha latte' in the cup holder.

They drive just like the family car mostly because they're just a top heavy, overweight and under-powered version of it. 

One thing you're not likely to see is a lot of turbocharged or "High Performance" versions.  That's because the whole "family friendly" thing kind of goes out the window  the first time soccer mom encounters  200 foot pounds of torque steer on a wet road.  Oh, did I forget to mention that most of them are Front Wheel Drive?

It's why anything over 300HP these days will have all that power going to either the rear wheels or ALL the wheels...

They have their benefits though...  For one, they're disposable.   When you're done with them you just ball them up and toss them over the wall of the nearest junkyard .  Which is how the majority end up when their owners discover their 6 foot blind spot.

I mean, let's get real here.  It's taken almost 20 years for the rear view backup camera to become mainstream and nothing has more need of it than a minivan.  BMW's and Mercedes aside ( that don't need them BTW ) the first mass produced vehicles to  have them as standard equipment were minivans.  

Not because it was cool but because there was a very real need especially when half your market is wearing trifocals and racing to get the senior special at Country Kitchen.

Thing is, I don't deny the need for something in that market segment but I think a small SUV or a wagon like the very cool ( sadly discontinued ) Dodge Magnum would have done a better job.

Yeah, the Smithsonian has a Caravan on display but is it really such an honor when it's sitting next to Jerry Seinfeld's Puffy shirt? 

Personally, I think the shirt was a more positive influence.

I'm a car guy meaning I have a deep appreciation for things like styling, performance and serviceability.  In other words, all things NOT a minivan. 

The sight of one of those lumbering sloths struggling to attain the speed limit just sucks the life out of my day.  They're everywhere!  weaving between lanes, cutting off traffic and generally just being a nuisance.

Worse are the drivers.  From my research I've come up with three primary types.

1. The Early Bird specials  -  Usually the senior set determined to slow traffic to nothing more than 10 miles below the speed limit on their way to fish stick Friday.

2. The Soccer Moms - Those terrible taxis piloted by frenzied souls attempting to find that perfect balance between their smartphone and actual driving.

3. The drag racer - Usually a male who hasn't quite figured out that not everything with a aluminium wheels is a "performance" car.  These guys are convinced that 150 HP in a 2 Ton bus is a match for any Corvette and they're going to prove it.  

I can't really blame him though, he's just desperate to reclaim his Y chromosome.  Thing is, that isn't going to happen in a rolling Uterus with third row seats.

I'd prefer not to be around any of them especially if they decide to "Crossover" to something like an SUV.  Nothing like throwing around an extra ton of steel while "soccer mom" juggles text messages, voicemails, screaming at the kids and driving...In that order.

I'm not anti-family, anti-senior or really anti-anything unless its perpetuating a bad idea.  Which lies at the core of my hatred for those ugly metal eggs otherwise known as minivans.  

They had their place and their time back when this country was still grappling with the need for more than 9 miles per gallon and vehicles made out of more steel than you'd find in the average 747. 

But that time has passed.  Time to move on.  Time to close a chapter on one of this country's worst inventions.

Die Minivan DIE!