The Formula Project: Back under the hood

 

It's been close to 4 years since I brought the Formula home.  4 years and 18000 miles later it's been a tale of love.  But not that sweet unconditional love beaming from your dog's eyes when she looks up at you.  No, no, no.  This is the kind of love that demands all of your attention, a few pounds of flesh and most of the contents of your wallet if you don't put the brakes on every once in awhile.

Love hurts....

One way or another it always does.

Considering my ownership of this family heirloom began with $500 worth of parts and the front of the engine in pieces within 24 hours of delivery the tone was set.

BUT!

Opportunities abound if your eyes are open.  Which led to a new YouTube channel and more relevant content in this blog.

I've been busy trying to make a living doing something other than turning a wrench or saving somebody's server so time's short and so is the money.  That means projects fall into 2 camps; Things I want to do to the Formula and things I HAVE to do.

Seems there's lots of things I've HAD to do in the past 6 months.  Luckily, every one of them has been documented with a video.

Speaking of which, the 3 videos below show what I've been up to.  To sum it up: The car doesn't sound like an old rocking chair anymore, the transmission stopped hitting the floorboards and starts easier now that the PCM has some clue as to what the engine termperature is.

Check it out!

Back on the Road: Formula VS Smog Check - Epilogue

A lot can happen in 5 months...

Back in December when I posted my last entry to this blog I wasn't sure what my future held.  All I had was hope and a belief that if I didn't give up things would eventually work out.

Which is exactly how I approached getting the Formula back on the road.

I'm not especially religious but I do believe the old adage that the good Lord doesn't give you anything you can't handle.

December is a pretty long time between posts but I haven't posted anything about the Formula since October of 2015!  That's because, well, honestly there was nothing to post about.

That changed recently.  I picked up some work in March which improved my fortunes.  Now the Formula was always at the top of my priority list but it became even more so as the weeks wore on and it became apparent that what I was driving to work was not ideal for the purpose.  

The Formula needed to be back on the road...Fast!

Of course that meant getting rid of the demons that had kept it chained to the garage for 2 years.  

Recall that we had already dealt with the Fuel Pressure regulator, EGR, got a new intake elbow and ran a few tanks of the proper octane fuel.  Sadly it wasn't enough.

The emissions testing results from 2015 while less than helpful at diagnosing the problem still pointed to a likely culprit.  A high HC reading, that's raw fuel.  High CO?  sloppy ignition system.  High NOx?  Combustion chamber temps too high.  All of them too high?  That points to a bad catalytic converter plain and simple.  

Lot's of things can go wrong with modern emissions control systems on cars but the symptoms would show up long before a failing smog test.  As in the car literally wouldn't run if you could get it to start at all if it was anything but the Cat.

1995 was an interesting year for auto makers.  It was the last year before they formally adopted the new ODB2 standard in emissions controls.  20 years later it's a pain in the ass.  For example, the Formula has a diagnostic port identical to an OBD2 connector but it isn't.  It's OBD1 which means you have a lot fewer codes to help point you in the direction of what's wrong.  Not to mention finding a scan tool that you can actually plug into it!

Still, there are basic emission codes that can be set if something was really going wrong and luckily none of them were set.  Although that's not definitive either since OBD1 has a far shallower pool of data to draw from.  That means things have to be really going sideways before you get any information out of that port.  By that time the code probably doesn't mean much to you.  

So...

Fast forward to the solution to my problem and we open on me in the parking lot of Mesa Muffler early on a Saturday morning.  


For less than $200 I was able to drive out with a new catalytic converter an hour later.  I immediately took the car out on the freeway to warm up the converter and then held my breath and got off on the exit that led to the emissions testing station.

As I pulled into the station, took my ticket and waited in a long line for my turn at the indignity of an Arizona emissions test my time had finally come.

I pulled up onto the rollers, turned off the car and dutifully retired to a cramped booth while the technician did his best to ruin my day...

He didn't.   At the end of it all I actually shook his hand and thanked him!  The Formula was finally legal after 2 years and all it took was a catalytic converter....



Oh yeah, and a MAP sensor, EGR, Fuel Pressure Regulator, Intake Elbow...

I documented the whole thing in the video below.  I'd have liked to get more of the actual test but I was rather forcefully discouraged by the technician.  

There was still work to do before the Formula started commuting duty, however.

We needed tires, badly.  We also needed a new belt tensioner pulley and weirdly a new gear for the headlight pop-up motor.  

So what's left?

I still need to deal with the fuel injectors as at least one is still leaking.  I still need to fix the headliner, get the hatch repainted.  All the normal stuff that a 20+ year old car would need.

In case you're interested, I've also included  a few videos below of the new tires and how I fixed the headlight motor.  I've been posting regular videos of my adventures with the Formula on my YouTube channel.  Check it out as I tend to update it more than this blog...obviously.

More as it happens!  

Fix It: Misfires, long cranks, bad mileage? Take a deep dive with me into a Tune Up!

Fuel, Air and Spark...

What does it really mean to do a tune-up on your car?  Regardless of what you may drive, if it has an internal combustion engine it's going to need 3 things: Fuel, Air and Spark.  When most people think tune-up they think ignition system ( SPARK ) At least with a gasoline powered vehicle.  Yes Diesel's are different but it's still Fuel, Air and BOOM!.

We're going to be dealing with the BOOM! in your gas powered engine today.  I'll show you the basics and try to answer the how and why's in the video below.  

How to buy a classic car and live with the consequences: Part 2 - Buying the car and living with it.

Last time we left off with some homework...

You had some hard questions to answer.  To answer them, you needed to get realistic about your expectations.  Owning a classic car is much like taking on another family member.  It's not some knickknack you admire on your shelf.  There's care and feeding involved.

So after your own personal reality check if the answer to: "Do I really want to do this?" is an unequivocal and emphatic "Yes!" then read on.  I've got more to tell you...

Research, research, research.


In the last article I went over how important it was to research any car you're planning on buying using all the online and offline sources available to you.  Those same resources are going to come into play in your purchase and ownership of the car.

You'll find a dizzying array of resources to get that sweet ride.  Ebay Motors, Auto Trader classics, auctions, private sales and even specialty dealerships to name a few.

The thing to remember is that you don't always get what you pay for especially if you don't know exactly what you're buying.

This is where research pays off.

Classics are valued by their popularity in the market plain and simple.  Factors like rarity, options and provenance all play a part but emotion has a lot to do with it.  This is why it's never a good idea to buy a classic car for investment purposes.

Yeah, Shelby Cobra's went up in value after Carroll Shelby's passing but Shelby Chargers from the 80's will never reach such lofty heights.

That's an important point.   Just because something SEEMS collectible doesn't mean it is.  There have been countless "special" options and packages available over the years but most of them aren't that "special."

A "Boss" Mustang is special.  A "Pony edition" is not.

Even the most rabid of car enthusiast isn't going to get excited over a pinstripe.  Unless, of course, that pinstripe is proof of something far more interesting like a more powerful engine.

Knowledge is power so time to go on the hunt but where to look?

Auctions

The most obvious places are classic car auctions.  You may get a deal but after the auction house has taken their percentage you may have immediate buyer's remorse.

Auctions like Barrett-Jackson run for multiple days with the first day usually offering the least expensive cars.  These will be examples that need a little work, aren't popular or may not have their documentation.  Title issues have to be disclosed but it's up to you to investigate the veracity of the owner's claims about the actual car for yourself.

Some auctions will provide a VIN number or a CarFax if the vehicle is new enough ( 1981 on) and may even have services on site to help you evaluate the car.

Barrett-Jackson doesn't call itself an auction anymore, they call themselves "events."  Which is to say that attending one is more like a trip to the circus than a car lot.  There's the auction of course but it's just the big top in the circus.  Auto related services, parts, nostalgia and accessory vendors are all over the place.  It literally looks like an automotive products convention.  In short, lots of neat stuff to look at but you're going to pay for all that "lifestyle" kitsch one way or another.  It's usually in the bidder fees and of course the 20% buyer's commission.

Many of the more popular auctions have copied the format to some degree to draw more of an audience but none approach the carnival atmosphere that is Barrett-Jackson.

Silver, Russo  and Steele and Mecum are some of the more popular and less "circus" auctions.

I won't go into the whole bidding process.  It's an auction meaning the seller and the auctioneer are trying to get the most money for themselves.  The best advice I'd give is to know the real value of the car you're interested in and set a hard limit.  Especially with Day 1 auction cars, you need to be cautious as you don't want to end up buying a LeMans priced like a GTO.

Private Sales

This is where the Auto Trader Classics and Hemmings come in....

Same rules apply here.  Do your research, bring along someone knowledgeable that knows the model you're looking at and don't take the seller's word for anything that isn't obvious.  The nice thing about private sales is that you can get much more up close and personal with the car without fighting a crowd or the distractions of an auction like Barrett-Jackson.  My best advice here is #1 Research, #2 Skepticism.

That said,, be reasonable.  Protect your interests but don't be an ass.  This is a negotiation not a death match.  Put yourself in the owner's shoes and figure out how you'd want to be treated.  If you know a car is worth 25K don't make an offer of $500  you're just wasting everyone's time.  It's insulting and actually makes it less likely to get a good deal.   Once you've made that deal, however, make sure everything is on the up and up.  The seller is not going to take a personal check so either have cash or take a ride down to your bank and draw a cashier's check.

You can also set up private sales through online services like Ebay that will hold the money in escrow.  No matter what, the seller is rightly going to want to know he's getting paid.  As for you, you need to be sure the ownership documents are in order.  It used to be a paper title was enough but these days most states have moved to Electronic titles.  That makes it easier for dealers to transfer ownership and for any liens against the car to be recorded.  You may have a clear paper title but if someone filed a lien electronically against it you won't know till you try to transfer ownership and have to pay off that lien and ruin your day.

There's usually an online mechanism offered by a state's DMV to check the status of a car's title.  All you need to provide is a VIN and a small fee to find out.  You should be able to get this information ahead of time from the seller and know what's up before you go meet him/her.  You could do it on a smartphone when you're there but unless a deal has just dropped out of the sky on your lunch break, I wouldn't recommend this.  You should have as much information on the car as possible before going to see it.  Research, research, research!

Ebay and online ( Not local ).

We've touched on this angle in the last section when we talked about escrow.  Consider these services nothing more than classified ads ( like Auto Trader )  with escrow.  They're just a middleman and most of the same rules apply as the straight private sale.  The thing to watch out for is the fee these services charge. Sellers are more disadvantaged than the buyer in this transaction but there other factors like taxes and escrow fees that have to be accounted for.

Specialty dealerships like this particular angle when they have a vehicle that may be harder for them to sell or want to draw in buyers from a wider area.  They've also got a better chance of getting an inflated price for a lemon since many buyers base their purchase on emotion without doing any research.  All it takes is some good photos.  The perfect sucker bet.  See the next section for why I'm not a fan.  It is an option but in my opinion a bad one most of the time.

Getting it home

Regardless, a lot of these cars won't be local meaning you have to factor in travel, transport and if you're smart inspection costs.  That could make a great deal more expensive than you bargained for.  I can tell you that transport costs alone can be in the thousands.

When I had my 1995 Formula transported from Colorado to Arizona in 2013 using Reliable Carriers (a specialty auto transporter) it cost $1100.  With a distance of 800 miles that's about $1.37 a mile.  Oh and it took 3 weeks to get the car to me...

By the way, I wouldn't try driving a classic car home if it has to go more than 100 miles from where you bought it.  It's an old car, things happen and that tow truck isn't going to be much cheaper than the transport if the worst happens.  That and specialty transporters use enclosed trailers keeping your new baby safe from the elements and thieves.

I have to stop for a moment and say this.  While the idea of driving a classic car home seems attractive know that it's not the brightest option.

Classic cars tend to be less fuel efficient, more temperamental and less reliable than your daily driver.  Why would you want to do that to yourself?  You don't know the car and you don't know its quirks.  Finding out for the first time in the middle of nowhere isn't fun.  I know from experience. Save the road trip for the big cruise when other people are around that can help out if need be.


Specialty Dealers


Unless there's no other option I'd stay away from these guys.  They usually don't stick around for more than a couple of years and won't deal.  They'll stick to the highest market price for the vehicle and all cars are sold As/Is.  This is where you're most likely to find the LeMans prettied up as a fake GTO.  I'm not going to say much about these guys.  Plain and Simple it's a used car lot with a better profit margin.  I've seen more overpriced, bondo Betty's at these places than anywhere else and once someone's on to them they're gone like the wind.

It's all yours.... 

OK, so you did all the research, you're on a first name basis with the car club president and can decode VIN codes and cowl tags better than the guys that built it.

It's yours.

Now what?

Well, hopefully you're basking in the glow but wait.  I hope you called up your insurance company.

Chances are, however, that it won't end up being the same one that's covering the Kia in the driveway.   A lot of insurance companies have divisions that offer coverage for collector vehicles but you're actually better off looking elsewhere.  I've talked to a lot of classic car owners who were actually paying 10x as much to insure their vehicle while getting a fraction of the coverage.

Companies like Hagerty and Grundy are far better options offering features tailored to classic vehicles like agreed value coverage, parts location and premium roadside assistance.   Another nice bonus to using these specialty providers is that the premiums are much lower.  The trade off is that you're going to be far more limited on your use of the car.

So don't expect to be driving it to work every day.  Part of the reason the coverage is so much cheaper is that you're not exposing the car to as much risk as your daily driver.  Most policies require you own another car for daily use.  Yes, there are policies out there that will limit mileage but for the most part specialty insurance companies know their owners are a fussy and protective bunch.

Besides, this is a "classic" car.

Do you really want to sit there on some frigid morning for 15 minutes on ice cold vinyl waiting for the engine to warm up?  Does is sound like fun to jump into morning rush hour in a car with a longer braking distance than the average school bus?

That's another "reality check."  Even with safety upgrades be aware that you're not buying a new car no matter how well preserved or restored.  What you are buying is an old car with old technology that will ALWAYS respond accordingly.

Talk to anyone who actually drove that 69 Roadrunner to work everyday and they'll tell you stories about constantly pulling over to dry off the distributor every time they hit a puddle.

That may be charming for the cruise night but it's intolerable in a world of gridlock and Hybrid cars.

There is no argument.  Classic cars are cool to drive but they're absolute garbage as daily drivers unless all your driving happens on a racetrack.

HERESY AGAIN!

Nope, reality check and I know.  I've owned A LOT of classic cars and met A LOT of tow truck drivers.

Long Term Relationship

So baby's in the garage,  All your weekends are taken up with car shows and meetups and your significant other has already banned the words: Horsepower and New Old Stock from the house.

A classic car is a family member.  Care and feeding includes things like regularly taking it out for a spin and maintenance.  I've known "car guys" who buy a car and never drive it thinking they'll ruin it's value if another tenth of a mile rolls over on the odometer.

Trouble is, cars are meant to be driven not just looked at.  Unless you own a museum piece, part of keeping it maintained is actually one of the best parts of owning a classic.  That being actually driving it.  Tires get flat spots, batteries go bad (even on chargers) grease dries out and seals start to leak if a car is left to sit.

You didn't buy it to be the next guy's "barn find" did you?

That's another tip.  Yes, you can buy those ultra-rare low mileage cars but they're not much fun.  They are literally the automotive equivalent of a time capsule and even driving it around the block can decrease their value.

Leave them to the museums.

I like nice "driver quality" car.  One that I may fuss over but don't' fear taking on a leisurely weekend road trip.  Among classic and collector circles this is becoming the most popular group since owners can actually enjoy the car as it was intended.

Jay Leno is a great example of this type of owner.  There are few cars in his collection that haven't been driven both before and after restoration.  In fact it's probably a large factor in the rise of the "driver quality" classic.

Look, cars are meant to move, statues are meant to be looked at.

Besides, it's kind of cool to actually know how to start a carbureted engine properly.  It's almost like knowing a secret handshake.  Hey, fuel injection is great but there's something about knowing just how much to crack the throttle to get a warm engine to start without flooding it.

So if you've taken the plunge congratulations!  It's a special experience to be the caretaker of a classic and one no Prius could ever match.  There'll be highs and lows in the course of your stewardship and surprises along the way to keep things interesting.

Thanks for allowing me to share the experience with you.  Take a look at some of the articles on the sidebar too.  They're all bout the gearhead lifestyle and can give you valuable information about owing and loving a classic car.

Drive on!

Good Advice is hard to come by...

Opinions are like...well you know, we all have them.  But some opinions are more valuable than others.  When it comes to car repair you can't afford to take advice from someone who talks out of the orifice that shall remain nameless.

Eric the Car Guy is a mechanic with a YouTube channel.  There's a lot of them out there offering varying degrees of useful information but Eric is a little different.

He's not somebody "playing" mechanic, he actually is one and even better he's willing to tell you what really goes on in the minds of those we trust with our pride and joy.

Check out a few of the videos below and see if you don't learn something.

High Energy Ignition (HEI) Vacuum Advance replacement

Old cars break stuff, it's a fact of life. Sometimes, however, it's not obvious that something's broke.  It's more subtle.

Hard starting, a loss of power or just that feeling like you're dragging an anchor behind you.  You'll get where you're going but it won't be as much fun getting there.

When everything else has been checked and you've got symptoms like the ones above it might be worth a look at your vacuum advance unit on your distributor.

Most points and early HEI ( non computer controlled) units will have them and when they go bad you usually don't get any notice.

There's two easy tests that don't involve anything but pulling the vacuum hose off the carburetor (because chances are you don't have fuel injection) and see what happens.

Get the engine to operating temperature and then pop the hose off the vacuum advance unit.  If the idle speed drops you know the unit is probably good.  If nothing happens it's probably bad.

Time for the next test.

Get a vacuum pump like a mighty vac hooked up to the vacuum advance unit and give a few squeezes.  Whether the engine is running or not, you should see some vacuum reading on the pump's vacuum gauge.  If the engine is running you may hear the engine speed up as well.

If you don't get either of those things and you know the pump is hooked up and working right then you've got a bad vacuum advance.

Trolling the automotive forums most people will tell you it's an easy fix.  You pop the distributor cap, remove a couple of bolts and wiggle the old one free.  Of course it gets more complicated if your distributor is hard to access and it's even worse when the engine is hot.  Yeah, you can probably change it in 5 minutes if you yanked the distributor out but that's usually an even bigger pain than dealing with it in the car if your setup is anything like mine.

I made the video below because nobody was ever going to read the 1000 words it would take to describe a 15 minute job.

So have at it and check off another little project on your classic car "to-do" list.

YouTube Automotive Treasure Trove

For a lot of you the weather is still very much "Winter" so you're probably not out and about or turning wrenches on your baby too often.  So what to do?

Well, if you're like me you find some favorite automotive videos on YouTube and maybe even subscribe.  Oh and don't forget the companion channel to this blog...Gearhead Garden Channel

One thing to remember about HOWTO videos on YouTube though.  Use the information at your own risk.  Don't take anyone's word as gospel and research from more than one source.  Anybody can post a video on YouTube even if they're a complete idiot!

This first example of a channel I follow comes from Scotty Kilmer.  I like Scotty, he reminds me of my step-dad and his information is usually pretty good.  He's a mechanic with almost 5 decades of experience under his belt that he's more than willing to share on his YouTube channel.  Along with videos like this, he also does a weekly Q&A show on his channel where he answers questions about car repair.  In this video he talks about the different grades of gasoline and when to use them.

This next example comes from a specialty automotive supply company called Eastwood.  I've known about Eastwood for 20 years and purchased specialty tools and products that I couldn't find anywhere else.   Their videos usually cover some procedure using their products.  The devil's in the details and Eastwood is a good place to go to deal with them.  There's a lot of good information that's helpful when you're trying to restore a classic.  This video features a project  79 Camaro Z28 and a primer on paint and finish techniques by TV's Keven Tetz.

The last Video is from a channel called Ramblin' Around.  It's basically a talented DIY Car guy named Jordan who details among other things the trials, tribulations and triumphs of putting an '87 Trans Am back together.  Lots of interesting stuff here.  This guy bleeds 50 weight but isn't full of himself.  It's the quiet guys who do the real work which is why I like his channel.  

So that's it.  I figure if I don't have any new content for you at least I can turn you on to someone who does.  Stay tuned though.  I still have the 95 Formula and will eventually get enough money and time to get it to pass emissions.  Expect a few videos and some writeups when that happens.  

You can be sure I'll detail those adventures here.

Formula Vs. Smog Check: Testing Fuel Pressure and the MAP sensor

On this page are a couple of videos showing you the results of my Fuel Pressure Leak-down test and how to test a MAP sensor on an LT1 V8.  These are two important tests when you've got an emissions problem especially if the car is running rich.  

The fuel rail will bleed off some pressure over time but not all of it in a few minutes!  Anything more than a couple of PSI drop after a few hours means there's a leak in the system somewhere.  

It's important to mention that if at all possible, you really want to isolate the individual components of the fuel system when troubleshooting.  If you're testing the fuel rail and you don't know the condition of the fuel pressure regulator, for example, then ideally you'd want to block off any return lines to the tank so you don't confuse a bad fuel pressure regulator with say a stuck check ball in the fuel pump. 

If that's not possible then you're only going to get a general idea that there's a problem.  In which case you'll have to take into account other factors.  In my case I know the Fuel Pressure regulator is good ( brand new ) so I'm fairly confident that any pressure loss seen at the rail is going to be isolated to a component of that rail.  Note that all of this testing is done with the engine off.  With the engine running other factors like the Fuel Pump, Injector pulse time and engine vacuum come into play which can mask a basic fuel pressure problem.  

Incidentally, you won't see it in the video but the way to isolate the fuel system to check for what part is causing you the headaches involves either pinching off the return lines or installing a shutoff valve.  I don't have the valve and I'm not about to start pinching anything made of plastic that's been baking under the hood of a car for 20 years.   So I didn't do that test but a rich mixture is more likely to be a fuel injector than a check ball in a fuel pump at the back of the car.  I was more interested in seeing if there was a drop in pressure in general.  

Once I can afford a new set of Injector O-rings I'll be pulling the injectors out, priming the rail and seeing which one(s) are leaking.

As for the MAP sensor testing, well, it's always the first thing blamed right behind the O2 sensor when an engine is running to rich or lean.  That makes sense since those sensors as well as the MAF (Mass Air Flow) provide critical data to the engine's PCM to adjust the mixture rate.  There are others like the Coolant Temperature sensor, Throttle Position Sensor and others but basic emissions troubleshooting will have us starting at the MAP sensor since it's usually the easiest one to access and check.  

The MAP sensor's job is basically to read engine vacuum and send a signal back to the PCM.  With an LT1 the PCM takes that vacuum value and compares it with the Air flow data from the MAF to see if the two values complement each other.  That allows the PCM to make more minute adjustments to the fuel mixture for performance and emissions.  It's also a sanity check for each sensor since the failure of one can be compensated for by the other.  Either one can provide enough data to allow the engine to continue to run but not as efficiently.

Some cars only have a MAP sensor but LT1's are a bit of a wild animal when it comes to tailpipe emissions. Getting the engine into emissions compliance takes a lot more data points than your average grocery-getter especially with high compression that lends itself to problems with NOx and CO issues.

So if you ever wondered why there's so many wires under your hood, now you know....

For me this is all kind of a reference exercise but for  you it might be instructional.  Enjoy!


Fuel Pressure testing...

Checking the Manifold Absolute Pressure Sensor (MAP)

Muscle Car limbo

It's a strange place to be.  That in between time when your ride is transitioning from being just another "old car" to a "Collector car."

So it is with my 1995 Formula.  It meets the definition of a muscle car  ( save for the year but who cares what GoodGuys thinks.)  It's got all the check boxes ticked including having the most powerful V8 available at the time (LT1), 2 doors, rear wheel drive and of course, it's completely impractical.

It also hits all those less attractive aspects like being unreliable, expensive to fix and forever in need of attention.

Right now I have to use the car as a daily driver but it is 20 years old so even with all the care its received over its life there's no hiding those liver spots.  

The catalytic converter's developed an annoying rattle, the rear end urethane bushings squeak like an old bed, the power windows worry me and there are times (like now) where it struggles to roar to life when the weather isn't quite to its liking.

In short it's an old car with all the requisite annoyances.  
Considering my meager income I've done a fair job of addressing a lot of the issues.  Projects that included things like replacement of a distributor, water pump, ignition system and radiator and some worn out interior pieces to name just a few.  It's a start but I know from experience that it's far from the finish.

It's times like these where I sometimes wish I had my old Toyota truck back.  That thing could run on a thimble of oil and two drops of anti-freeze and still take you across the country and back with the AC blowing ice-cold the whole way.

But it wasn't as fun.  Being towed home multiple times is a badge of honor for a collector car.  Even if it is inconvenient.  

Your Camry?  I Guarantee you're looking at Autotrader.com after the first tow...  Besides, did you ever notice how collector cars never seem to look better than on the back of a flatbed?  That's soul baby!

I mean think about it for a minute, not many things with a Toyota or Hyundai badge can be said to have a "soul" and no Kia, calling one of your cars a "soul" doesn't make it have one.  Nobody will ever get excited over an Avalon when its 20 years old either.

Besides, none of those would respond as well to my pleadings to "just get me home baby."

This is where I find myself now and while I foresee a bright future for the Formula for now it's often the stuff of nightmares instead of dreams.

It's the test all car-guys must go through.  If you just give up and trade it in on a Hyundai I have no respect for you.  All great things must be suffered for.

...and god do I suffer...

But this is the stuff of legend.  The stories to be shared with others so afflicted. 

Of course this assumes I don't have to sell the dream for a couple of bags of groceries...

I hate minivans

I hate minivans...

I have since Lee Iacocca strolled past an assembly line of half-built K-cars before proudly coming to a stop in front of an '84 Dodge Caravan.

It doesn't matter whose badge they carry, they're all awful...

It's not about the obvious assault on automotive design.  Face it, there just isn't any way to make these bulging weebles look good.  All the heavy metal rifts and pyrotechnics in the world won't make them cool no matter what Honda thinks.

They're the ultimate expression of the Costco generation.  And why not, they're perfect for it.  As in, perfectly proportioned for America's ever expanding... "proportions."  They're designed to let you stuff the kids, the dog and a pallet of Kirkland Peanut butter with plenty of room left over for that 32 Oz triple-mocha latte' in the cup holder.

They drive just like the family car mostly because they're just a top heavy, overweight and under-powered version of it. 

One thing you're not likely to see is a lot of turbocharged or "High Performance" versions.  That's because the whole "family friendly" thing kind of goes out the window  the first time soccer mom encounters  200 foot pounds of torque steer on a wet road.  Oh, did I forget to mention that most of them are Front Wheel Drive?

It's why anything over 300HP these days will have all that power going to either the rear wheels or ALL the wheels...

They have their benefits though...  For one, they're disposable.   When you're done with them you just ball them up and toss them over the wall of the nearest junkyard .  Which is how the majority end up when their owners discover their 6 foot blind spot.

I mean, let's get real here.  It's taken almost 20 years for the rear view backup camera to become mainstream and nothing has more need of it than a minivan.  BMW's and Mercedes aside ( that don't need them BTW ) the first mass produced vehicles to  have them as standard equipment were minivans.  

Not because it was cool but because there was a very real need especially when half your market is wearing trifocals and racing to get the senior special at Country Kitchen.

Thing is, I don't deny the need for something in that market segment but I think a small SUV or a wagon like the very cool ( sadly discontinued ) Dodge Magnum would have done a better job.

Yeah, the Smithsonian has a Caravan on display but is it really such an honor when it's sitting next to Jerry Seinfeld's Puffy shirt? 

Personally, I think the shirt was a more positive influence.

I'm a car guy meaning I have a deep appreciation for things like styling, performance and serviceability.  In other words, all things NOT a minivan. 

The sight of one of those lumbering sloths struggling to attain the speed limit just sucks the life out of my day.  They're everywhere!  weaving between lanes, cutting off traffic and generally just being a nuisance.

Worse are the drivers.  From my research I've come up with three primary types.

1. The Early Bird specials  -  Usually the senior set determined to slow traffic to nothing more than 10 miles below the speed limit on their way to fish stick Friday.

2. The Soccer Moms - Those terrible taxis piloted by frenzied souls attempting to find that perfect balance between their smartphone and actual driving.

3. The drag racer - Usually a male who hasn't quite figured out that not everything with a aluminium wheels is a "performance" car.  These guys are convinced that 150 HP in a 2 Ton bus is a match for any Corvette and they're going to prove it.  

I can't really blame him though, he's just desperate to reclaim his Y chromosome.  Thing is, that isn't going to happen in a rolling Uterus with third row seats.

I'd prefer not to be around any of them especially if they decide to "Crossover" to something like an SUV.  Nothing like throwing around an extra ton of steel while "soccer mom" juggles text messages, voicemails, screaming at the kids and driving...In that order.

I'm not anti-family, anti-senior or really anti-anything unless its perpetuating a bad idea.  Which lies at the core of my hatred for those ugly metal eggs otherwise known as minivans.  

They had their place and their time back when this country was still grappling with the need for more than 9 miles per gallon and vehicles made out of more steel than you'd find in the average 747. 

But that time has passed.  Time to move on.  Time to close a chapter on one of this country's worst inventions.

Die Minivan DIE!